Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
