oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
