Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
