I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
