Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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