Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
