i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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