I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Randomize
