this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
