I just cut my nipple shaving
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
