Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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