I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
