Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Please don't give away my fajitas
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