This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
