The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
