I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize