Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
