I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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