the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
