he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
