i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
