The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
