yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
