i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What a dumb baby whore.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
