shes about as inviting as chlamydia
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
