I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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