i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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