We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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