Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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