is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
