You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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