oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
