the condom got lost in my hair
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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