the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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