Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
