Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
