this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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