Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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