He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
