Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
