Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Randomize
