I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
