Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
