Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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