I think i sorta joined a cult last night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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