he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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