I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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