I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
