If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
