two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
