Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
