I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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