I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
