I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
