he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
