My hair reeks of homosexuality.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
