Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
