he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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