look no pants
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
