Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
