just tell him i said nine months
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
