I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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